Me: Writes a blog post about being cheerful and then falls off the face of the blog earth for months
My tens of followers: Omg, did trying to be cheerful actually kill her?
Fear not, dear readers, not only am I alive and well, I am also pregnant! I thought I would dip my toe back into the waters of blogging with a GBOMB (Good, Bad, On my Brain) on my first trimester, which just ended on Saturday. Don’t worry, it’s not all pregnancy related, though that does occupy about 98% of my brain space right now.
- Seeing a positive pregnancy test for the first time after seeing so many negative ones was so surreal. It made all of the tears, tests, and doctor’s appointments worth it.
- Telling Tyson I was pregnant and seeing his face light up. I’d imagined that moment for so long, and the reality was so much better. I can’t wait to see him be a dad.
- Telling our family and friends we were pregnant. This baby was prayed and fasted for by so many people, and we have felt so much support from them as we’ve been able to start sharing our happy news.
- Celebrated FIVE years of marriage in San Francisco. Five years felt like such a big milestone when we were first married. I thought we would be so settled and have a few kids by now. Though the reality is pretty different from what I imagined, it’s also so much better. I knew Tyson was special when I married him, but seeing who he has become over the last half a decade: Wow, no words.
- Feeling like I could trust and even like my body again. Without even really realizing it, I had allowed myself to get so angry at my body for not being able to perform this most basic of functions. Seeing my body be pregnant and act like a normal pregnant body was a relief. On Easter Sunday, I put on a dress I used to hate on me and saw a baby bump. I couldn’t remember the last time I had seen my body in the mirror and been happy with what I saw.
- Seeing our baby for the first time has been the highlight of my pregnancy so far. I was so worried that something would be wrong or that I wouldn’t be able to feel anything, but as soon as I saw our baby, everything changed. I’m a little bit of a control freak, but seeing that little baby move of its own free will was the coolest thing I’ve ever seen. I was so proud of our little baby’s movement, like I was already raising an athlete or something. Watch for us in an upcoming Olympics.
- Being nauseous all the time and hating food I used to love. Bacon, I hope we can still be friends when this is all over.
- Extreme exhaustion and not being able to do what I used to do. I would nap every day when I got home from work and then feel so guilty that I wasn’t getting anything done around the house.
- I was unprepared for the amount of personal questions I would get about my pregnancy. I don’t consider myself a super private person, but I also don’t feel comfortable being asked if my baby was planned. Like yes, but for a year ago? I feel like pregnancy is such a personal thing (your body’s changing into something you don’t quite recognize sometimes, your life is about to change forever because you will now be responsible for another person, etc.), but because it’s something everyone can see, they feel like they’re allowed to comment on this major life change?
- The unknown that comes along with pregnancy. Pregnancy is a control freak’s worst nightmare. Like we can tell you what you’re having, but only when you’re halfway through your pregnancy, and we can tell you when you’re due, but it could really be any time before or after that date. I know modern medicine is amazing and everything, but planners gotta plan.
- Even though we had a blast in San Francisco, I underestimated how difficult it would be to travel during the first trimester. We had to search high and low for places to eat because nothing would sound good (except for you, hot dogs from a pier street vendor <3) and I would get tired really easily, so we’d have to go back to our hotel to rest for a few hours. I also caught a cold on our last day of the trip, so that day (plus the week after we got back while I was still recovering) were rough.
- We got season passes to Lagoon on Black Friday, a few months before I got pregnant. I can still go on about three rides, but I spend a lot of time on the sidelines with my Kindle.
On my Brain
- This article about how many books I will read before I die really made me think. It takes a lot for me to not finish a book I’ve started, but somehow putting a limit on how many books made me realize that I need to prioritize. There are so many good books out there I want to read, so I probably shouldn’t waste my time reading something I hate. Some recent books I read I would not have finished if I’d started them post article:
– The Goldfinch by Donna Tartt
– Crosstalk by Connie Willis
– A Little Life by Hanya Yanagihara
- Names. I’ve had a Baby Name list on my phone for an embarrassing amount of time, but some of the names have either gotten really popular, I don’t like them anymore, or Tyson doesn’t like them. I’ve been using this baby name popularity graph to guide my highly scientific research. My name was apparently most popular during the 1950s, which makes sense since I’m the only Brenda I know who’s not retired with grandchildren yet.
- Fluffy clouds. They were my go-to item to think about when I was feeling really nauseous. Apparently they’re the only object I can think of that does not have an unpleasant smell.