truth be told

Hello again.

Where were we?

We’re currently trying to survive the hottest summer of our lives while we wait for Tyson to start his senior, and hopefully final, year of college. We’re standing on the edge of most of life’s major decisions relating to school and family. We’re trying not to panic, and I’m failing miserably.

A worrier by nature, I can’t seem to sit in front of a computer for more than two minutes without thinking about the future. I used to feel safe writing about my worries, but I don’t anymore. I’ve been thinking about this for a long time, and I’m finally feeling brave enough to write about it.

The Internet has changed.

I miss the golden age of the Internet. For me, it was that brief period between 2010 and 2011 when blogging got really big. Salon wrote that article about Mormon Mommy Blogs, and I read it and was hooked. I had wasted an innumerable amount of time online before, but this was a game changer. Even though I wasn’t, and I’m still not a mom, I saw something I recognized in these women. I saw myself in future tense. I thought these blogs held a window into my future– one with a loving husband who works and still finds time to go on dates with you, and an adorable, well-dressed baby. I yearned for a life like theirs.

Little by little, what I thought was a window into my future changed into a paid advertisement. The change was so gradual that I didn’t notice it for a long time– a product placement here, a post with more pictures than words there. Next thing I knew, reading a blog was like flipping through a magazine. They were trying to sell me a lifestyle, where everything was happy and bright, and I wasn’t buying it.

I’m not sure why that made me lose my love for blogging, but it did. Maybe it was my innate competitive nature that felt like I couldn’t quite measure up. Maybe it was the jealousy I felt when I compared my empty nest to their full one. Maybe it was that I don’t photograph well and I don’t know how to edit my pictures so they look like they were taken in a room full of light.

Either way, I miss blogging for fun. I realized that it stopped being fun when I stopped doing it for myself. I always started with the truth, then put a smiley face here and cut out a sentence there, and watered down the truth because I wanted to stay positive and look on the bright side.

I want to be able to look back at this and be proud of what I’ve written. More importantly, I want to be able to read and know exactly how I felt. I’m making a pact to myself to tell the truth more often and to stop pretending perfection.

Truth be told,  I’m seriously apartment hungry. We’ve loved Aggie Village, but it’s starting to feel a little small for us. The cracks are starting to show. I found rust spots on my bathroom ceiling. How does that even happen?

Truth be told, I’m counting down the days until Tyson graduates from college. The thought came to me the other day that I’ve only ever known my husband as a student. I don’t even know what it’s like to think about life in terms of years instead of semesters, but I would like to.

Truth be told, I want to be a mom more than I’ve ever wanted anything else. Some mornings I wake up and my first thought is, “This day would be so much better if there was a baby in the next room waiting for me.”

Truth be told, we just got back from a 3,000 mile road trip through California a few weeks ago, and I’m feeling some serious post-vacation blues. Is that even a thing? I thought going on vacation would give us the energy to push through this last year of school, but it’s made every day since feel like the longest day ever. I never thought I would miss California as much as I do now. “Homesick” is not strong enough a word to describe how I’m currently feeling.

I don’t think the ever-evolving Internet can ever go back to the way it was in 2011. I can’t either, but I sincerely believe that truth matters. I want to believe that my words will mean something to someone one day, and if they do, I want for them to be true.