in which I’m not Superwoman

Fall semester has started, and even though I’m not going to school, Tyson’s schedule is a lot crazier now. In turn, this makes me a lot crazier. So, can I just use this little corner of the Internet to complain about how hard it is to be a working wife?

Yesterday after I got home from work and grocery shopping, I started on dinner. I threw some chicken in the crockpot for lunch the next day, threw some more chicken on a pan with some garlic salt on top and started on the dishes. I glanced at the living room and thought about vacuuming, which was pretty tiring. While the dishes dried, I made a short scavenger hunt for FHE. After hiding a Kazoozle at the end of the last clue, I rushed back to the kitchen to start on a salad (!).

I had just bought my first pair of cucumbers while unsupervised that day, so as I took one out of the bag, I realized that one of them had a big bruise on it. I instantly thought to myself, “You’re such an idiot.” Now, I would never talk to anyone else that way. I was saddened at how easy and even natural it was for me to insult myself.

This may not come as a surprise to anyone, but I am not Superwoman. I felt like I was for about 38 minutes yesterday. Then I hit a bump in the road in the form of a cucumber bruise, and I was human all over again. I’ve felt human ever since.

We spent Friday at BYU Education week (more on that later), and all I heard was, “Women are so incredible!” Well, sometimes I don’t feel so incredible. As I sit on my futon and type this, there’s a pile of unfolded laundry on my left, an open jar of jelly beans on my right, and no dinner on the table. I’m pretty sure I just heard the dryer go off, but those clothes better prepare to wrinkle because I am exhausted.

Most of the time, my expectations of what I want to be like and what I want to get done are just not realistic. Instead of being disappointed or calling myself the i word again, I’m going to write this in the hopes of internalizing it:

  • You have a lot to offer.
  • Even if you didn’t, your worth does not depend on your abilities.
  • Who you are at your very best is who you really are.
  • It’s okay to not be able to be everything to everyone all of the time.
  • You don’t have to be Superwoman.

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Really, you don’t.

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this one goes out to all the college freshmen

We went to Wal-Mart on Saturday, and found it filled with incoming college freshmen and their nervous parents. It warmed my heart because it wasn’t too long ago that I was there too. We chose to get all of my last-minute supplies at Target instead of Wal-Mart, but that’s neither here nor there.

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college freshman Brenda

I remember the last night I spent in my room, a small room with a large window. There were sixteen boxes stacked by the door, one for each year of my life. I didn’t want to be afraid, but I didn’t know what else to be. I looked out the window at the moonlit street, knowing that tonight would be an ending of who I had been. Tomorrow would come a new beginning, but for now, all I had was my sad, little ending.

If I had known then what I know now, then I wouldn’t have been so afraid. But that night, I didn’t yet know that I would meet my very best friends there, that I would have an opportunity to study something I was passionate about, that I would finally find a place where I fit in. All I had was my fear and a handful of dreams. So I cried. I cried for the girl I was and the girl I had been, and I prayed that I would awake a woman who was strong enough to handle change. But morning came, and I was still the same.

That night came back to me as I pushed a half-empty cart around Wal-Mart, occasionally bumping into a freshman. I’m not even going to pretend I wasn’t a little jealous of them. Going away to college changed my life. It wasn’t until I was in the pursuit of a higher education that I came to know, and even like, myself. While away from everything familiar to me, I found that home is most often a people and not a place, and that you can find a home even when you’re all by yourself.

So if you’re feeling lonely, scared, or sad, know that you’re about to embark on the greatest adventure, and that you probably won’t even gain the freshman fifteen.

slc

We were in Salt Lake for a wedding this past weekend, so we of course had to stop by Temple Square.

IMG_0009 We stopped by the mall, where I visited my H&M, my Anthropologie, and my J. Crew. I picked things up while I was there, and then sadly put them down again after looking at the price tag, as one does. (We also visited Forever 21, but I don’t think that store is mine anymore. It’s full-on Monet.) IMG_0012

On our way back to the car, we had to stop by the temple again because it’s somehow even prettier at night.

IMG_0013We found a tree by the temple that still had some Christmas lights on it, and I found myself wishing for winter again. This summer’s gone by so fast that I know I’ll be complaining about the freezing temperatures in no time, but for now, I’m daydreaming about hot chocolate, Christmas music, and maybe even some snow.

these days

These days, I’m feeling quite content. I don’t know what it is, maybe it’s that the sun doesn’t set until almost 9 pm, or the fact that my husband has a job, but I am happy.

For a long time, I thought that my default mode was sadness, but I’m realizing that that’s not true.

My soul quietly longs for heaven, and heaven answers:

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“I’m here.

I’m closer than you think.

I’m in your husband’s embrace.

I’m in that book you can’t put down.

I’m in your drive to work, as you blast that song you like so much.

I’m in those moments when you realize that you like who you’re becoming.

You need not long for me.

I’m here.”

one hundred

100th post! Who knew we’d make it this far with this little blog?

I’m kind of protective about my writing, so it’s still nerve wracking to share it with others, but I like to think that I’m getting better. Here’s to not being ruled by fear!

Here are some posts I’m proud of:

the time our toilet flooded

an exercise in confidence

thoughts on a saturday

a post about marriage

w&d

Writing about our first year in Utah has been so fun, but I have some other ideas for year 2. (Don’t worry, these ideas include more and better quality pictures.) Stay posted!